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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29754342">Nothing and Nowhere</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsume_kun/pseuds/natsume_kun'>natsume_kun</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety Disorder, Armin Arlert-centric, Childhood Friends to Lovers, College, Comfort, Existential Anxiety, F/M, Fluff, High School, Light Angst, Mostly College</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 23:01:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,476</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29754342</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/natsume_kun/pseuds/natsume_kun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Armin is a small boy who navigates through his anxiety in a big world that kindles uncertainties. </p><p>Mikasa is his constant.</p><p>--</p><p>or: in which armin is smol big anxiety boy and is ever so hopelessly in love with his childhood crush</p><p>***edit: i've updated the ch. 6 notes with the link to the fanart i drew based on this fic</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mikasa Ackerman/Armin Arlert</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>66</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i listened to taylor swift's fearless for the first time in years and i thought oh thats an arumika song and then i recalled heidegger's philosophy from my readings back in college and i ended up writing this</p><p>***very minor edits have been made since i posted this because im a lazy shit who only proofreads after posting</p><p>--</p><p>***cw: anxiety</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> “I think I like my friend. What should I do?” </em>
</p><p>Armin is seven when he tells his grandfather about his first crush. He hadn’t told him it was the girl who sat beside him in class-- Mikasa-- that same quiet girl who always hung around Eren whenever they’d visit the Jaeger household during the summers. And yet, looking back on it now, Armin’s pretty sure his grandfather knew exactly which friend he was talking about when he had told him that. </p><p>As his grandfather sets down a mug of hot chocolate in front of him at the breakfast table one morning, he simply tells Armin to try asking his friend if they could hold hands.</p><p>But the first time Armin and Mikasa do hold hands, it is out of a need to seek solace from fear that he asks it of her.</p><p>--</p><p>It was late afternoon-- right after school finished for the day-- when Armin had rushed to the playground behind the local library where Mikasa’s mother worked. He hastened to leave the school once the bell had rung to dismiss them, eager to escape the kids who had tried to lock him up in one of the girls’ bathrooms earlier that day during their break time. Thankfully, Eren had witnessed the scene and managed to fight the bullies off-- even with most of his kicks and punches haphazardly landing all over the place.</p><p>Armin spends about an hour silently moping (with bouts of crying in between) as he sat at the bottom part of the slide before eventually catching sight of Mikasa and her mother emerging from the back door of the library. </p><p>Mikasa doesn't fail to notice him immediately and Armin instinctively shrinks himself in his seat when he senses her approaching. In an attempt to avoid her gaze, he bows his head down and fixates himself on the felt-tip drawings of rocket ships and constellations playfully doodled on his shoes. </p><p>Mikasa soon stands in front of him. Her lithe figure bends-- tilting her torso to one side, and a few tufts of hair fall messily in front of her face as she tries to meet Armin’s eyes.</p><p>“Mom and I are about to go home. We could walk you too.”</p><p>“Oh. Ok.”</p><p>Armin starts to gather his things-- books, lunchbox, and a backpack that had been laid down at his feet. He zips open his bag and stuffs in the lunchbox alongside his books before neatly arranging them. Once he’s done, Armin lifts himself up from the slide and Mikasa acknowledges him with a nod.</p><p>--</p><p>At some point during the walk home, Armin manages to tell her about what happened in school that day.</p><p>“I see. How are you now?”</p><p>“A bit better. But I’m… I’m still a little scared.” Armin lets out a dejected sigh. He nervously rubs a palm over his arm. “Uhmm… Mikasa, can we… can we hold hands?”</p><p>She hums in thought. Mikasa's eyes dart towards her own hand clasped in her mother’s grasp and then up at her mother's face. She's been talking on the phone for a while now and Mikasa assumes her father was the person on the other line.</p><p>“Ok.”</p><p>Mikasa examines his hand with curiosity as she takes him by the wrist, soon noticing the strip of bandage on his palm. It’s one of those kinds with a bright pattern of cartoon illustrations and this one shows a school of pastel-colored fish against a plain yellow background.</p><p>“Armin, what happened here?” Mikasa looks at him-- eyebrows scrunched in a mix of worry and question-- all the while still holding his wrist.</p><p>“Oh. The other day-- uhmm... with a sharpened pencil… they...” Armin trails off. His eyes turn downcast. Mikasa silently looks at him in question-- as if still waiting for him to recount the rest of what happened. When she realizes that Armin probably can’t bring himself to talk about it anymore for now, she responds with a perfunctory hum.</p><p>“Tell me if they ever try anything again.”</p><p>Mikasa then hooks her pinky finger with his own.</p><p>When Armin looks down at their hands-- fingers lazily dangling in the tiny space between them, he feels the warmth of the sunset seeping further into his skin.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Armin is sixteen when he gets his heart broken for the first time. </p><p>The day after their high school prom, he finds out that his two best friends had started dating. It shouldn’t have been surprising. The signs were all laid out in front of him-- Mikasa obviously harbored feelings towards Eren for quite some time now and they had eventually gone to the prom together as partners. And while Eren admittedly had a tendency to be oblivious to her feelings, the idea of him returning Mikasa’s feelings wasn’t entirely implausible. After all, Mikasa had lived with the Jaegers for a while. She had stayed with them from the incident of her parents’ tragic death-- up until the end of middle school, after which a distant relative-- Levi Ackerman-- had taken her in. No doubt, Eren and Mikasa had spent more time with each other than either of them had with Armin. Feelings were bound to bloom somehow, somewhere in between no matter how oblivious Eren could get… right? And besides, Mikasa was undoubtedly a pretty girl. She was cold and stern, sure, but her reticence had a charm to it. Armin acknowledged this and so did a lot of other boys in their school. None of these other boys had a chance on her, but Eren? He was probably the only one Mikasa seemed to have her eyes on. Not even Armin himself stood a chance. At least that’s what he thinks.</p><p>And yet, months before the prom, he actually considers asking Mikasa to be his partner. He even manages to make plans for it too. He’d rush out of campus after school to visit the local florist to assess which flowers would best convey his feelings for Mikasa, and even stop by the nearest patisserie to look at the chocolates and pastries displayed on the shelves so he could decide which delicacy he thinks she’d enjoy the most. When he gets home, he’d struggle pushing pen to paper trying to write out how he’d ask Mikasa to the prom. And on his morning walks to school, he’d silently rehearse the lines he had written trying to assess if they sounded awkward in his head. In dreams and daydreams, he’d imagine sweeping her off her feet to a soft ballad in the dimly lit gymnasium-- under the glimmer and dancing lights of the mirrorball that hung above them.</p><p>It’s on a Saturday-- exactly two weeks before the prom-- when Armin tries to ask her out. He nervously paces around in front of the Ackerman residence for almost half an hour with a rose in one hand and a box of lemon bars in the other. The ticking on his watch seems slightly louder than usual, but he doesn’t actually realize he’s been needlessly pacing around for that long. All he knows in that moment are the hammering of his heart in his chest, the lump in his throat, the cold sensation of sweat on his shaking hands, the dryness in his mouth, and the shortness of his breath. It gets increasingly difficult for him to concentrate and he blames himself for failing to fall asleep the night before. </p><p>
  <em> There’s no point in this. Mikasa doesn’t like you back. She likes Eren. You’d be ruining a perfectly good friendship by doing this. It was pathetic of you to even try. You’re only humiliating yourself. There’s no point in this.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> There's no point. </em>
</p><p>--</p><p>He doesn’t try again.</p><p>On the night of the prom, Armin stays in bed-- a pathetic lump of gloom in his blankets. A wilted rose sits languidly on his bedside table beside an empty pastry box. He watches a lone petal fall limply on the floor before closing his eyes that night.</p><p>His dreams aren’t any better. And the morning after doesn’t make up for it either.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Armin is seventeen when he gets diagnosed with anxiety. He starts going to therapy the summer before he enters college.</p><p>For most of his life, he’s convinced himself that he was just a coward. He had lots of fears as a kid-- bullies, strict teachers, getting lost at the mall, dark places, ghosts, monsters, and horror films among others. Sure, these all sounded so typical for a mere child to be scared of. But while other kids soon grew out of them, Armin still feared most of these things as he grew older. He certainly outgrew some of these too, but he was definitely still more easily frightened than most. Take his two best friends for an example: Eren and Mikasa. They don’t scare as easily as he does. They could stand their ground against bullies and sit through an entire horror flick much better than he could. Mikasa somehow manages to stay calm and collected throughout a horror film-- even occasionally silently gaping in wonder at the screen, while Eren manages with the occasional screams here and there (Mikasa doesn’t say it out loud, but Armin is sure that she actually enjoys watching those kinds of movies). But as for Armin, he’d find himself crying against Mikasa’s sleeve as he hugged her arm at the first hint of a spooky sound effect.</p><p>When he was a kid, he thought that courage came with age-- that as he grew older-- <em> bigger</em>, he’d eventually overcome-- <em> outgrow </em> the fears that towered over him. But even as he did grow older, the world around him only seemed to get bigger and he was still but a small boy. </p><p>He realizes that <em> being </em> in the world means to abound with possibilities. He could behold the <em> world-</em>- the wonders in the meanings. But a possibility is what it is-- a <em> may-be</em>, uncertain. It may <em> be </em> or not at all-- nothing. </p><p><em> Being in the world</em>, then, is to be fraught with uncertainties. It’s unsettling.</p><p>As the world gets bigger, it abounds with meaning. And as the world gets bigger, one abounds further with possibilities. But nowadays, these possibilities look more like uncertainties to him. The world is big and overwhelming and as it looms over him, it feels like he’s shrinking unto himself. And maybe he is. He’s looked upon the world with wonder, but at some point, meanings turn into nothing. The world he used to behold is suddenly meaningless. He sees no point in pursuing a possibility, convinces himself that there’s no point in trying again. </p><p>
  <em> There’s no point. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Mikasa crashes Armin’s flat the day she and Eren break up. It happens during that same summer before college. Eren starts to behave differently-- more distant from them when he finds out that he failed to get into the same university Armin and Mikasa had their eyes set on. Sasha breaks the news of Eren’s cheating to her earlier that day, and even comes with her to confront him about it. Eren isn’t one for subtleties. He admits it outright in front of her and Mikasa simply asks him why. </p><p><em> "I've always hated you.</em>" He says it like a remark on the passing of time.</p><p>Mikasa says she doesn't feel like going home so Sasha opts for taking her to Armin's place instead.</p><p>--</p><p>Mikasa doesn't say anything when Armin opens the door for them. She simply marches in to flop down on the couch while Sasha awkwardly explains the situation to him in a hurry at the door. She apologizes before leaving, saying she would have stayed with Mikasa too if not for her parents arriving all the way from the province to visit her that day.</p><p>“Mikasa?” Armin calls out. </p><p>No answer.</p><p>Armin approaches her and settles down on the floor by the couch. He realizes that Mikasa had dozed off so he retrieves his blanket to put it over her sleeping figure.</p><p>--</p><p>She wakes up just in time for dinner.</p><p>“Oh, you’re awake.” Armin sets down a small pan of home-made spam and cheese pizza on the kitchen island.</p><p>Mikasa sits up on the couch, stretching her arms out with a yawn. Rubbing the sleep off her eyes, she heads over to sit on the stool by the island counter. She wordlessly takes a slice of pizza and bites into it sluggishly while Armin grabs them a pair of glasses and then takes a pitcher of water from the fridge. He awkwardly clears his throat, stealing a glance as he stands across the counter from her. Her hair is disheveled-- a few tufts sticking out weirdly at the top and stray strands messily obscuring the top of her eyes. A furtive smile crosses his lips briefly-- finding something endearing about her mess of a bed head. Despite that, he instinctively reaches a hand across the counter, gently smoothing down the tufts of hair and tucking the stray strands behind her ear. Mikasa regards him with a quick glance before turning her attention back on the slice of pizza.</p><p>“Thanks,” she mutters. “You always make good pizza,” she adds.</p><p>Armin cradles his head in his palm, elbow against the counter. He grabs a slice of pizza with his other hand.</p><p>“How… how are you feeling?” he starts.</p><p>“...Fine.” </p><p>“Are you… are you sure? Sasha told me about… what happened earlier.”</p><p>She nods curtly.</p><p>Mikasa purposely avoids his eyes as she silently pours herself a glass of water and drinks. Then she stares down pensively into the bottom of the now empty glass in her grasp.</p><p>“Have you decided between Literature and Philosophy?" she asks.</p><p>Armin decides not to press further about what happened earlier that day.</p><p>"I was thinking of taking only Literature for my freshman year. And then maybe I'll apply for a double major in Philosophy in my sophomore year… that's if it seems I can manage the workload."</p><p>"I see. That's good." She nods approvingly. "Levi says he can give me a tour of the campus next week. Maybe you'd like to come with us. You can probably ask him about the process for double major applications in Philosophy too. He's the desk secretary at the university's Philosophy department."</p><p>"Oh, sure. Yeah, I can go next week. And… yeah, you're right. I-- I should probably ask him, but… he's kinda scary."</p><p>There's suddenly a hint of a smile on her lips, even though the look in her eyes doesn't quite bear the same feeling.</p><p>"It'll be fine. I'll help you ask," she reassures him.</p><p>"Thanks, Mikasa."</p><p>She hums in response before finishing off the last bite of her pizza.</p><p>"Mikasa?"</p><p>"Hm?"</p><p>"Do you… do you want to watch a horror movie?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Uhmm… Mikasa? I know it’s late, but… could you… could you come over? I woke up from a nightmare… and I had an attack after that. I don’t think I can go back to sleep soon. I… I’m really sorry,” he says wearily into the phone, while his other hand loosens its grip on a few pieces of melting ice cubes.</p><p>It’s not the first time this has happened. Usually, it’s worse around weeks of midterms and finals. It’s their second year in college and while Armin had somehow gotten used to the academic stress, it doesn’t mean that his anxiety goes away easily just like that. Mikasa knows this too. So whenever these things happen, she’d have no qualms about checking up on Armin. On nights like this, especially, she’d end up staying over at his place. They’d simply talk late into the night (or early into the morning) and sleep under the same covers.</p><p>--</p><p>“Mikasa, are you afraid of anything?” Armin says, lying on his side facing her-- one hand under his pillow while the other lay in between them.</p><p>“Hm. I’m not really sure...” Mikasa hums pensively as she stares up at the glow-in-the-dark constellation stickers on the bedroom ceiling.</p><p>“Then… have you ever felt scared?”</p><p>“I…” She furrows her brows in thought, trying to recall a memory. “...yeah, I think… when my parents died. There were gunshots and windows shattering. I remember covering my ears because everything was suddenly so loud. They wouldn’t respond… nor move when I tried calling out to them from the backseat. But I saw blood trailing down mom’s face. I didn’t know exactly what that meant at that time. But... I cried. All I knew in that moment was that there was danger... and I was helpless.”</p><p>“Oh…” Armin says, his eyebrows arched with worry. “...I’m sorry.”</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize.”</p><p>“R-right. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“You’re doing it again,” she says with a hint of an amused smile.</p><p>“Oh. Right.”</p><p>“It’s fine.”</p><p>“Uhmm… Mikasa?”</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Well, you don’t really have to answer this one if you don’t want to, but… how are you and Eren now? How do you feel about him?”</p><p>“Oh. That.” She mulls over it for a few moments. “I…” She heaves a weary sigh. “...sorry, it’s difficult for me to talk about these things.”</p><p>“N-no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up… really.”</p><p>Mikasa shifts to lie on her side, now facing Armin. “It’s not that I’m still hung up on him. It’s more of… I suppose I never really learned how to talk about my feelings. Nor do I understand how to feel them properly. I’m not even sure if I really feel things sometimes. If… if that makes sense. But… I do know it’s been this way ever since it dawned on me that my parents weren’t ever coming back. As if… as if there’s a sense of having to be as independent as I possibly can.”</p><p>Mikasa was-- for the most part-- never one to show vulnerability-- Armin knows this. He remembers that time she had stayed at his place on that day she and Eren broke up. He remembers how Sasha explained that she had accompanied Mikasa to confront Eren and then to his flat. The two of them-- Sasha and himself-- were probably the only people Mikasa would have been ok with taking care of her in that situation and seeing her like that-- vulnerable. But even with himself (and it’s probably the same with Sasha), Mikasa usually tends to avoid talking about her feelings. She’s always been reticent, hence the impression of being standoffish that most people have of her. But she isn’t unkind. Mikasa leaves a lot of things unspoken, but she cares deeply for the people she loves and it’s transparent in the things she does.</p><p>“Oh. I see. I think... I understand a little better.”</p><p>“Sorry. All of that was probably overbearing to hear.” She sighs.</p><p>“No, no. It’s ok.” Armin reaches out to idly tangle his fingers in her hair. “Mikasa… I know this is easier said than done but… you don’t have to keep it all in to yourself. You’re one of the most courageous people I know and I don’t think that will change even if you start baring your feelings out in the open. I’ll listen. And it’s completely ok if it takes you a bit of time to open up about these things. You can trust me, Mikasa. I want you to know that.” Armin ends with a reassuring smile.</p><p>Slowly, Mikasa takes his hand and rests it on the tiny space between them. She hooks their pinky fingers together. </p><p>In the silence, they recall an unspoken promise.</p><p>“Ok. I trust you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>***i feel like i have to mention this just in case anyone gets confused: the reason armin holds ice cubes at the start is because he was trying to ground himself after an anxiety attack</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In their third year of college, a middle school girl named Gabi starts to frequent Sina Literary’s organization room in the late afternoons. It's Mikasa who brings Gabi there to wait while she attends lectures before they go home together. Rico, Sina Literary's editor-in-chief-- as strict as she was, seemed pretty lax about it. She had given Mikasa permission to let Gabi stay there just as long as she stayed quiet during meetings, and the other organization members seemed to enjoy her company as well. Even Rico had to admit it-- Gabi has a way of brightening that dreary room full of sleep-deprived college students and somehow even bringing them closer to each other. </p><p>Armin had seen Gabi in their organization room a few times, although they’ve never held a conversation for too long. Armin usually only came by when there were fewer people in the room or whenever he was required to attend meetings with the editorial board. Most of what he knows about Gabi had come from passing conversations with Mikasa. He at least knows that Gabi had started living with the Ackermans earlier that year when a fire in their neighborhood broke out and Gabi was the only one left from her old home.</p><p>--</p><p>Rico had called on the editorial board members that day for a meeting to discuss their progress on the planning for their last event for that academic year-- Sina Literary’s Cultural Culmination Night in celebration of their successfully published literary folios. They had gone over the program flow, catering, the hosts’ script for the event, venue decorations, as well as which spoken word poets and local bands had already responded to their invites.</p><p>“As for the venue, by the way…” Rico squints closer at the laptop screen while adjusting her glasses. “...have we already made a reservation for the Stohess Building rooftop?”</p><p>Mikasa slightly raises her hand. “Oh, I’m in charge of that. I’ll be doing it tomorrow. Once I retrieve the approved project proposal form from the Office of Student Activities.”</p><p>“Ok. Good. I think that settles it for this meeting… unless anyone has anything else to raise?” Rico gives them a one-over before finally closing her laptop. Several members lightly shake their heads. “Well, then. Please report your progress to me by the end of the week. If any logistical issues come up, please do message the group chat immediately.” Once she grabs her laptop, she stands up and heads for the door.</p><p>“By the way, Mikasa.” Rico turns to her. “Could you call Sasha up? I’d like to know how the catering for the event is going. As soon as possible. She’s already missed two board meetings.”</p><p>“Right.” Mikasa nods. “I’ll check up on her.”</p><p>Rico leaves the room and several members soon follow suit.</p><p>Mikasa shifts in her seat to face Armin. She gives him a light tap on the shoulder. “Hey, I’ll be going to the dorms to check up on Sasha-- she’s been sick for two weeks now. But I’ll be back shortly. Could you watch over Gabi there for a while?”</p><p>“Oh, sure--”</p><p>“I don’t need someone watching over me. And I told you I can go home by myself fine.” Gabi crosses her arms with a scowl.</p><p>“You got lost three times last week. And this place is a drive away from our house-- we’ll end up going home together whether you like it or not,” Mikasa says sternly before heading out the door.</p><p>“Ugh.” </p><p>When the door shuts with a thud, Gabi stands up from where she had been sitting at the corner of the room and moves to the bench across from Armin. She cradles her head in between her palms and squints at him in an exaggerated manner.</p><p>“Uhmm…” Armin starts nervously.</p><p>“You have a thing for Mikasa, don’t you?” Gabi asks with a mischievous grin.</p><p>“What?!” Armin gapes, startled in his seat.</p><p>“You look at her the same way Erwin looks at Levi.”</p><p>“Huh? Erwin?”</p><p>“Oh, he’s Levi’s partner. You don’t know him? He works in your school too.”</p><p>Well, Armin knows only one <em> Erwin </em> in the university.</p><p>“Oh, uhmm… maybe I know him.” He shrugs.</p><p>Gabi hums in thought. “...What are you studying by the way? You know, like Mikasa’s Library Science thingy. What do you guys call it again… uh, majors?”</p><p>“Oh, I’m in Literature. And Philosophy.”</p><p>“Ohh… yeah, that’s it. Philo-- Philosophy? I think that’s the same thing that Erwin guy teaches... and also the same one Pieck is studying, right?”</p><p>Armin nods with a hum. “And, uh, Erwin-- I do know him… as Professor Smith. I’ve been in his classes for three semesters in a row now with Pieck. He’s… he’s my favorite professor, actually.” Armin adds that last bit bashfully.</p><p>“Yeah... no wonder.” Gabi squints at him again and then lets out a chuckle. “You both seem like… nerds. The dorky kind. The type to get disappointed when the teacher forgets to collect homework. Or possibly worse…” She rolls her eyes. “...the type to remind the teacher of the homework.” Gabi scoffs. “Also, don’t people normally just have one major thing? Why the heck do you have two? There’s a lot more fun stuff outside of school, you know.”</p><p>Armin looks down at the table between them sheepishly. Gabi’s right-- he admits that he has actually gotten disappointed over a situation exactly like that before. The thing with Armin, though, is that he actually does enjoy his majors so it’s not like he completely feels mechanically drained out-- alienated-- from what he does all the time.</p><p>“I… I just thought both were really interesting. And I had a hard time choosing just one.” The other reason is that he was there on a scholarship so he thought he might as well pursue both-- a decision which his grandfather had been very supportive of too, even going as far to say that he believed Armin could go beyond what he himself had accomplished in the prime of his days as a literary scholar. But Armin doesn’t feel the need to say any of that out loud.</p><p>Gabi just lets out a snort.</p><p>Armin awkwardly scratches his head, thinking of how to continue the conversation. “Uhmm… so what’s that like? What you mentioned, I mean-- the way Professor Smith looks at Levi.”</p><p>Gabi hums thoughtfully. “It’s like… more lit up than usual. And sometimes it even looks as if he’s about to tear up… but like-- you know-- out of joy. Of course, he doesn’t actually cry or maybe I’ve just never seen him do it whenever he visits. But like… you know how when you look at something you find really cool or pretty or…” Gabi snorts. “...precious. It’s like that.”</p><p>“Oh... I see,” Armin says bashfully, now nervously fumbling with a pen in between two fingers. He feels more self-conscious than usual. He wonders if any of the other editorial board members had noticed something about his demeanor around Mikasa.</p><p>Gabi chuckles. “You know, I’d believe you if you suddenly told me you were secretly Erwin’s son or something.” She suddenly has a shit-eating grin on her face. “Huh. I wonder what Levi would think if I told him that. He’d probably lose his shit.” Gabi lets out a snort and laughs heartily.</p><p>Armin is startled at her swearing. <em> Maybe she picks it up from Levi,</em> he guesses.</p><p>“Oh, uhmm…” Armin shakes his head. “...I’m really not his son so… please don’t tell Levi that.” Armin gulps nervously-- he figures that Levi might give him shit for it too if Gabi somehow managed to make it sound like a convincing lie.</p><p>Gabi leans over across the table to give him a clap on the shoulder-- it was probably meant to be reassuring, but Armin ends up yelping quietly in pain. “Relax. I was just kidding.” She laughs, settling back into her seat. “Are you scared of him or something? Levi’s just…” She scoffs. “...Levi. And you’re taller than him!”</p><p>“Well, he glares… and seems to have a really short temper so… yeah.” </p><p>“That’s true, but trust me. He’s really not all that different from Mikasa. And you’re not scared of her. You’ve even got a crush.”</p><p>“It’s… it’s not that I…”</p><p>“So what do you like about her?”</p><p>“Uhmm… it’s hard to say because… well, there’s a lot. Since we go way back.” </p><p>He supposes he could list a bunch of traits he likes about Mikasa-- she’s courageous, pretty, kind, responsible, caring, charmingly socially awkward… but he feels like those aren’t enough to explain why he likes her. There’s also memories and the things she does and the way she does them that makes his heart leap and skip a beat. He could write an entire paper on it and it’d probably end up longer than any of his literary analysis papers thus far.</p><p>“Way back? Since when?”</p><p>“We’ve known each other since I was seven.”</p><p>Gabi gapes at him in surprise. “Oh, I didn’t expect it to be <em> that </em> way back.” She raises an eyebrow at him. “Did you… have a crush on her since you were seven?”</p><p>“I-- uh…” He bashfully fixates himself on the pen he’s holding.</p><p>“Huh. But… wait. Didn’t she go out with that shitty Eren guy in high school?”</p><p>“Uh, yeah.” Armin tentatively darts his eyes to the side. Eren may be shitty, but he <em> is </em> his friend.</p><p>“Huh. I see. In-te-res-ting.” Gabi regards him with an impish grin. “You know, I heard they started going out when they went to prom together. Why didn’t you ask her out to that?”</p><p>“I… I was going to. But I got anxious.”</p><p>“Huh?” Gabi furrows her brows, confused.</p><p>“I thought she might reject me. Or that I’d ruin our friendship.”</p><p>“What? You mean… you were scared of nothing?” She scoffs.</p><p>“H-huh? But… she ended up going with Eren... and she really did have feelings for him at that time too… that’s why they got together. So... I had no chance from the beginning.”</p><p>“That’s not true.” Gabi shakes her head. “You wouldn’t know shit for sure until you do it. So you <em> were </em> scared of <em> nothing</em>,” she says, reaching out to drill a finger on his forehead emphatically.</p><p>Armin lets out a weary sigh.</p><p>Gabi has a point. Although she’s not quite accurately on the mark, she’s not completely off it either. </p><p><em> Scared of nothing? </em> Sure, one could put it that way. But what Armin feels is a bit different. </p><p>Anxiety-- that’s what it is. Being anxious about something indeterminate. Being anxious about nothing and nowhere. And isn’t <em> that </em> exactly what makes it foreboding in the first place? The overwhelming nothingness that could ensue from attempting to seize a possibility?</p><p>He could-- to an extent-- try to describe what it is that he’s anxious about. What if he fails to meet expectations? What if he loses his scholarship? What if he gets rejected? What if he ends up ruining a perfectly good friendship? What if things don’t go as planned? What if he fucks up? But even all of these combined do not encompass what it is exactly that he is anxious about. </p><p>The possibilities of <em> being in the world </em> are <em> there</em>. And yet they are indeterminate-- not set in stone, nor concrete objects of fear. The truth is that they are <em> really </em> nowhere.</p><p>The door of the storage cabinet beside them soon opens with a creak and out comes Pieck holding a pillow along with a 250-mL carton of chocolate milk.</p><p>Armin is startled while Gabi gapes in pleasant surprise.</p><p>“Oh, Pieck! I didn’t realize you were still here!” Gabi exclaims.</p><p>“Were you awake this whole time?!” Armin asks in alarm.</p><p>“Yes,” she says simply. “Here, Gabi. Catch.” She throws her the box of chocolate milk. Gabi springs up in her seat and catches it perfectly.</p><p>“This is my favorite! Thanks, Pieck!”</p><p>Pieck nods at her with a sleepy smile. “I’ll be off now. I have class in ten minutes.” </p><p>Pieck heads for the door. When she reaches the door frame, she stops in her tracks and regards Armin with a sidelong glance.</p><p>“You don’t have to worry, by the way. I’m not planning on telling anyone anything about what I’ve heard… but Gabi has a point. You can’t exactly spend your entire life being anxious about nothing. None of us have an eternity for that. Easier said than done, I know.” Pieck yawns. “But that’s just how it is.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They spend the night of Mikasa’s twentieth birthday in his flat. She had already spent the day out on a food trip with Sasha, Jean, and Connie. Armin was supposed to come with them, but he was working to meet the deadline for a paper in his Philo 104 class. Despite that, he promised Mikasa he’d celebrate with her later in the day. It’s around 7 PM when he finally turns his paper in and Mikasa calls him to say that she’ll visit his flat instead-- just to make the arrangement easier for both of them.</p><p>--</p><p>By 10 PM, they’re sitting on his bedroom floor-- right by the doorway that led into the balcony, drinking cans of peach-flavored shochu cocktail. </p><p>“Maybe I was just imagining things but on the phone a while ago, it almost sounded as if he forgot it was my birthday.” Mikasa idly taps her finger against the shochu can. “I just… I really wish he was here.” </p><p>“Oh… maybe Eren was just really busy with something.” <em> Again.</em></p><p>“Maybe.” She shrugs with a frustrated sigh.</p><p>“We could… make plans to visit him instead. Maybe after finals. I really miss him too.”</p><p>“Armin, do you think he misses us too?” There’s a melancholy in the way she says it.</p><p>“Well, I…” <em> I want to believe so </em> is what he thinks of saying, but Armin himself knows exactly what the more plausible answer is. He understands that Eren has changed a lot and Mikasa knows this too. It started during the summer after high school and he had only grown more distant when they parted ways for college.</p><p>“Ever since… ever since I found out he cheated on me, I can’t help but think things like this.” She furrows her brows in thought. “I know he apologized for that years ago and I still want to believe in him. But… it’s difficult.” Mikasa lets out a bittersweet laugh. “He’s difficult.”</p><p>“Yeah, he really is.” Armin glances up at her with a weak smile.</p><p>“It’s kind of weird thinking about it now, but… I actually used to believe he and I would end up married someday.” She laughs wistfully. “Teenage hormones are weird.”</p><p>“Oh. Yeah.” Armin laughs nervously, thinking back on how he used to fantasize getting married to her when he was a kid. The first time he imagines it is on a summer day spent at the Jaeger household when Mikasa had taught them how to fold origami-- he still remembers what exactly she’d taught them: how to fold an angelfish, a boat, and a paper ring.</p><p>“Anyway…” Mikasa sighs. “...we should probably eat the lemon bars. It’s the closest we can get to a birthday cake.” She smiles, glancing at him furtively.</p><p>“I’m sorry I couldn’t get you an actual cake.” He scratches his head sheepishly. “I didn’t think the patisserie across the street would be closed today and this was the only thing the cafeteria had.” Armin takes the box of lemon bars from the spot between them on the bedroom floor and struggles to untie the knot on the paper twine. “Uhmm… give me a second.” He scoots towards the drawer beside the bed and retrieves a pair of scissors from there. He returns to where he sat beside Mikasa and lowers the scissors towards the twine.</p><p>“It’s really no problem. You know these are my favorite, anyway.” Mikasa smiles at him warmly. Armin glances up at her as he snips on the twine, but soon realizes that he had made the cut incorrectly-- merely slicing off one tail of the ribbon-shaped knot.</p><p>“Oh,” he says, a little embarrassed. He finally cuts across the portion of the twine that wrapped around the box. “Uhmm… here.” He opens the lid and sets the box in front of them on the balcony floor, then pushes it closer towards Mikasa.</p><p>They eat the lemon bars and Armin soon feels the light buzz of the alcohol taking a toll on him. He eventually ends up lying down with his head on Mikasa’s lap.</p><p>“Hey, can I get another bar?” he asks, slurring his words as he struggles to keep his eyes open.</p><p>“Oh, this is actually the last one… but you can have it,” Mikasa says, holding a half-eaten lemon bar in between two fingers. When Mikasa feeds him the last bite of it, a few crumbs fall as he chews so Mikasa gingerly wipes away those left at the corners of his lips and picks up the ones that had fallen into the collar of his shirt. “Hey, don’t move so much. More crumbs are going to fall into your shirt,” she says with a chuckle.</p><p>“Oh, sorry,” he says sheepishly as he swallows down the last bits of the pastry.</p><p>Armin silently watches her face as she leans down closer, picking up the remaining crumbs from his collar. She straightens up in her seat and their eyes meet. He takes her in-- warmly bathed in moonlight.</p><p>Armin finds himself groping the balcony floor for the shorter end of the paper twine he had mistakenly cut from a while ago. He takes her hand in his, and then carefully ties the paper twine on her ring finger.</p><p>Mikasa hums in pleasant surprise. She stretches out her hand against the moonlight. “It looks good,” she says with a smile, fondly looking at the paper twine tied around her finger.</p><p>When she finally lowers her hand, Armin reaches to touch the tip of his finger against the knot of the paper twine. </p><p>His mind wanders to something Pieck had mentioned before: <em> None of us have an eternity. </em></p><p>And yet, he finds himself wondering in that moment: <em>Is it possible to fit an eternity into a lifetime?</em></p><p>In his drunken stupor, his mind somehow wanders back to something he had read from Murakami's The Wind-up Bird Chronicle: '<em>Ten minutes... That's all we need to understand each other… Sometimes, ten minutes is not ten minutes. It can stretch and shrink.'</em></p><p>
  <em>If so, then just how does one fit an eternity into a lifetime? </em>
</p><p>Mikasa soon entwines their fingers together and Armin watches as slivers of moonlight peek in the spaces between their fingers just right before they tangle closed. </p><p>In there, he finds his answer.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Armin is twenty when he braves his way to ask for her hand in a dance.</p><p>--</p><p>The last band ends their set at around 1:40 AM-- just around the same time Mikasa manages to come back to the Stohess rooftop after nursing and bringing an extremely wasted Sasha to her dorm. </p><p>It's a shame. </p><p>Armin had planned on asking Mikasa to dance that night-- thinking that this event had the perfect mood and setting for it: the blinking fairy lights hanging against the starless sky, the chill of the night wind brushing against alcohol-heated skin, the mirthful clinking of glasses over chattering and laughter, and the playful harmonies from the live music being played on stage.</p><p>And what’s more, he had donned his best (read: <em> least dorky</em>) long-sleeve collared blouse embroidered with a blue cartoon brontosaurus with thick eyebrows-- peeking out from the chest pocket. </p><p>Meanwhile, Mikasa was-- well, she was pretty as always. She rarely wore skirts and dresses but she had done so today-- a simple white blouse tucked into her long red plaid skirt (it had pockets-- Armin had noticed this because Mikasa had mentioned before in passing that the very reason she rarely wore skirts was because there was usually never any pockets or they were too small for her liking; she always had a thing for practicality). </p><p>It was really just a casual ensemble-- a random onlooker wouldn’t even think she was dressed up for any special occasion that night. And yet, to Armin, she was-- in the exact word that had come to mind that night upon first seeing her-- enchanting. Somehow even more so than usual. He had almost dropped the tray of drinks he was holding upon seeing her-- the contents wobbling inside the glass as they threatened to spill over. From the corner of his eye, he had seen Pieck furtively regarding him with a suspicious glance from behind the glass she was drinking from. Only she seemed to have noticed-- much less possibly figured out the reason for his blunder. Armin thinks he catches a hint of a sly smile on her lips just right before she turns his back to him in that moment.</p><p>The next time he gets a hold of Mikasa that night (which was technically already morning), it’s when they’re finally clearing out the rooftop-- tidying the floor, makeshift stage and tables, taking down the venue decorations, and packing up electronic equipment along with other paraphernalia they had used that night. Armin accompanies her to the campus parking lot behind Stohess Building, both of them carrying boxes of equipment they had used for the event. By the time they finish putting the last of the boxes in the trunk of the vehicle, Armin notices that there’s barely any people left and only Mikasa’s car remains parked there. </p><p>Suddenly, he has an idea.</p><p>“Thanks for helping out, Armin. I guess… I’ll see you around?” Mikasa says, holding the car keys behind her back before she turns to head for the driver’s seat.</p><p>Armin takes a deep breath, shuts his eyes tightly, and then braces himself. He hurries to the front of the driver’s seat, blocking her way as he leans awkwardly against the door.</p><p>“Uhmm… Armin? What’s up with you?” Mikasa says with a chuckle. “...Unless you want to drive me home or something?” She raises an eyebrow in question.</p><p>Armin shakes his head. “Oh. Uh, no. I don’t know how to drive.”</p><p>Mikasa laughs. “I thought so. Ok, then… what is it?”</p><p>“I… I was wondering if you’d like to dance...” Armin gently takes her hand. “...with me. Uh, right here.” He vaguely gestures towards the parking lot. His eyes nervously flit in between Mikasa’s face and her hand in his. “In the parking lot.”</p><p>“Oh.” Mikasa tilts her head thoughtfully. “Sure.”</p><p>Armin gapes for a second. <em> Wait, she actually just said… yes? </em></p><p>He closes his eyes briefly, swallowing down his nervousness. Then he breathes out a sigh. </p><p>He takes both of her hands in his and then pulls her towards the middle of the parking lot. When he hears Mikasa let out a soft laugh, Armin feels a smile slowly tugging at the corners of his lips.</p><p>He places a hand on her waist and gently clasps the other with hers. She, in turn, gingerly places a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“Uhmm… sorry,” Armin says as he stiffly begins to take a step and Mikasa eventually follows his lead. “I actually… am not very good at this. I only got a C in high school PE, so… please bear with me.” He lets out an awkward chuckle.</p><p>“Don’t worry about it.”</p><p>“I... hope this isn’t too awkward?” He raises an eyebrow. “Uhmm… you know, dancing without music and all.”</p><p>“A little awkward is fine.” She hums, tilting her head in thought. “It kinda suits us, I think.”</p><p>“Y-yeah. It does.”</p><p>Mikasa hums pensively. Her gaze soon falls on his shirt.</p><p>"There's a dinosaur on your shirt."</p><p>"Oh. Yeah. He's a brontosaurus."</p><p>"He…? Does he have a name, then?"</p><p>"I call him Erwin."</p><p>"Did you just… name a cartoon brontosaurus after Professor Smith?"</p><p>"Well, yeah…"</p><p>Mikasa squints closer at the dinosaur embroidered on his shirt.</p><p>"It's the eyebrows, isn't it?"</p><p>"Yeah, it is," Armin says with a chuckle.</p><p>"Maybe you should introduce this guy to Levi."</p><p>"I could, but… I don't think Erwin the Brontosaurus could compare to <em> The </em> Professor Smith even if he tried."</p><p>"You're probably right about that." </p><p>She laughs.</p><p>--</p><p>Soon, they both feel light drops of cold water on their skin. They freeze in their steps.</p><p>"It's drizzling," Mikasa realizes.</p><p>"Oh," Armin says, slightly dejected. "Do you… want to stop? You might get a cold."</p><p>"I… I honestly don't, but… we probably should." </p><p>"Then… just a while longer."</p><p>"Ok."</p><p>He takes the lead once again.</p><p>"Huh," she ponders out loud after a while. "Feels like… like I could do this forever."</p><p>
  <em> Forever.  </em>
</p><p>Their steps eventually come to a slow. And then a still.</p><p>He takes a step forward and leans in. She tilts her head pensively for a moment, and then she understands.</p><p>Their lips meet.</p><p>Nothing and nowhere turns into an eternity. He finds a certainty-- a constant--  amongst countless uncertainties.</p><p>The drizzle soon turns into rain and they pull away.</p><p>“Oh.” Armin catches the rain in his palm.</p><p>“We should... probably go home,” Mikasa chuckles. There's a flush of warmth on her cheeks as she looks down shyly at their feet.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>Mikasa takes him by the hand and pulls them towards the car.</p><p>His gaze drifts down to their pinky fingers hooked together as the rain cascades.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>go listen to my arumika playlist or sumn for more feels i also drew the playlist arumika fanart cover for this:<br/><a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/48scfbiYdXBCwpFliDFJna?si=_iwtGBbhQfOF-m5P4TvGtA">arumika playlist</a></p><p>***i finally drew arumika fanart based on this fic:<br/><a href="https://poppunkpie.tumblr.com/post/648510118993985536/not-a-lot-just-forever-intertwined-sewn-together">arumika fanart</a></p><p>--</p><p>eruri in my arumika fic?? more likely than u think 😎 anyway i just always wanted to write something delving into armin's anxiety. it is surprisingly something i don't see a lot of and i had a very specific headcanon of how he processes it-- which is him getting existential about it so i thought i'd write this</p>
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